Real men don't... what?
Like most of the male half of the human race, Craig Morrison was too busy being a man to give much thought to what it meant to be a man. And when he did start to think about it, it got... well... complicated.
What does it mean to be a man?" It's not a question I have ever thought about. Being a man is something I have always experienced quite naturally.
I believe that being "a man" is different to being "a woman" but I don't know how different it is, and neither is it any easier to express what being a man is.
How is being a man different from being simply "a human being", or being gay, black, white, Jamaican, Indian, Motswana, and/or a Christian? Each of these is a layer of human experience that can add to (or subtract from) our experience of being human, and to our experience of being a man.
Is there any line between being an individual, being part of a particular sex, or being representative of a greater whole? For example, when a man rapes, is he acting as an individual or as a part of "maledom"? Do all men become rapists through that one act?
"Few men bother to analyse what it means to be 'a man', and we struggle to express our experience of maleness"
I enjoy doing "man" things like rugby and riding my Kawasaki. Do these activities say something about me? What do they say? Do certain activities makes one more manly or less so? Are social interests value-neutral? I like to think it is equally okay to ride a motor-cycle or to do ballet without their becoming social value-judgements.
Still, I have a suspicion that real men don't wear tights and pirouette. We are still gender role players. This must be why society struggles with questions of homosexuality – because we see men and woman merely as gender role-players, rather than beings.
The roles we play
Men play a number of roles in society: husbands, fathers, workers... In Botswana – and many parts of southern Africa – being a father does not necessarily mean being a parent. Men can easily make children with women who are not regular partners, and parenting is seen as a woman's role.
Lounging around: High unemployment in Lusaka, Zambia, means many young men cannot play out a wage-earner role.
Our region has a large workforce of migrant workers, and migrant workers are also absentee fathers, who can easily set up alternative sexual relationships. So we must recognise that social and economic forces impact powerfully upon families, and these forces can be more destructive to family life.
In the church, men are deacons and leaders even though we make up the minority of members in most local churches. In church meetings, I notice how easy it is for men to speak, while women find it harder to raise their voices. I try to encourage women to speak, to share their views, to preach, teach and lead. It is important to empower women in formal church structures so we can balance our experiences of being men and women.
In preparing this article, I consulted my wife. She believes that men in Botswana need the leadership role to make them feel powerful. She considers African women to be second-class citizens and that this sexism is deeply ingrained into the social fabric. However, I don't believe that most men would agree with her view. In their defence, often an appeal is made to culture, tradition, differing roles, and even to the Bible. Perhaps, like me, few men bother to analyse what it means to be "a man", and we struggle to express our experience of maleness.
I once prepared a Bible study for a men's group on the role of Jesus' father, Joseph. It entailed questions about what Joseph was doing when Jesus was born. Did he help with the birth? Was he involved in the delivery? These are the kinds of questions and processes that help men to understand and to express what it means to be a man.